The day that nightmares and rainbows are made of.
The day you turn on your computer and see there are over 743 social media channels.
In response, you will join each of them in a frenzy. You will spend hours setting up automation schedules. You will finally upgrade to the premium accounts on Buffer and Hootsuite. You’ll quit showering. You won’t eat more, but you will acquire more food. You need post material. Stat.
After you’ve joined and liked and friended, you will do what is most important –write scathing blog posts about each of them. You will detail each channel’s worthlessness. You will back up your posts with declining statistics on membership, interactions, and charm. Because you can quantify charm. You’re that good.
Some people will say you have a problem. But you can’t listen. You’re too busy signing up for Kittlebox. The site that has cats reread your updates in meows. It’s useless, but you need it. Obviously, having a Kitt ReKitted is marketing gold. But not everyone understands.
Well, I do.
I will be right there beside you. Allowing my brain to over analyze, my heart to get too attached, and my fingers to over post.
And when the brains, hearts, and hands of marketers go, businesses will die. The free market will collapse. Children will be stuck going to college and getting “real jobs.”
We should stop ourselves now. We could hold back a little. We could socialize in real life.
Ugh. No. I take it back. New plan. We can do this.
Like all good addicts, we don’t have to give up so easily. We haven’t even had the chance to relapse and make excuses.
Someday there will be a patch, a pill, or a shot. Until then we can be our own group of enablers.
I’ll start. I’ve come up with some tips for us to thrive while we drown ourselves in online social mayhem.
Let’s take a look.
1. Prioritize: Switch your mindset to prefer Likes and Retweets to cash. It’s hard to feed your children with Likes, but you don’t care. They made fun of you in high school and now they Like you. Or they’re pocket Liking. Anyway, now that you don’t have grocery money, you’re losing weight.
2. Bulk Up: Add all of the share buttons. Yes, the share section will be longer than your posts. But they will protect you from real tragedy–allowing your readers to realize there is no Kittlebox button.
3. Show your expertise: Buy the world’s biggest whiteboard to explain all the different forms of social media. Use something mundane as your example, like donuts. Note: It must be a whiteboard. The vintage look will let it pop around the internet for years to come.
4. Make room: You know that adorable widget on your website with six social media icons? Yeah, you’re going to need more room. In fact, set up a page just for social media icons. Collect them all. If you have to, remove your About page.
6. Research: Block out three hours a day to analyze current social media trends. That way you never waste a moment writing a tweet.
7. Invest in your global tribe: Purchase ads on Facebook . Those Bangladeshians are ready to buy!
Remember, we’re all in this together. The more of us who survive the apocalypse the better. If you’ve got any advice on making it out alive, share it in the comments below.